Day 77

Deuteronomy 1-2 | John 11:1-16 | Psalm 33

Thomas had a twin.

At least, that’s what Jesus called him: Thomas the Twin (John 11:16).

But we never hear about this supposed sibling. No name. No history. No mention.

Because maybe his twin wasn’t a person.

Maybe his twin was within him—his internal self, constantly at war. Faith against doubt. Courage against fear. Devotion against despair.

Because look at Thomas here. When Jesus tells the disciples they’re going back to Judea, Thomas doesn’t say, “Yes, Lord, we will follow.”

Instead, he says, “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.”

That’s Thomas.

Deeply loyal—but deeply skeptical. He believes in Jesus, but he can’t see how this ends in anything but death.

Jesus saw a path toward resurrection.

Thomas saw a path toward the grave.

And yet, even in his doubt, he followed.

Because in Thomas, belief and unbelief were always wrestling for mastery.

And I get that.

The Two Versions of Me

Last week, a brother at church asked me to coffee.

He told me something I couldn’t shake.

“There are two versions of me,” he admitted. “The one my family and my church see. And the one my colleagues and clients see.”

And I told him I completely understood.

Because that war rages in me too.

I can be one person in one place, another in another. Not that I’m putting on an act or pretending to be someone I’m not, but there’s a tension. A version of me that wants to walk by faith—and a version of me that defaults to skepticism. A version that trusts God’s plan—and a version that wants control.

It’s like Thomas. A heart that loves Jesus, but a mind that struggles to see past the present reality.

I was supposed to be the one giving encouragement that day. But sitting across the table, I wondered:

Who am I to mentor him?

Am I really any different?

Am I really living as one whole person—or are there two Grants at war within me?

The Kind of Man I Want to Be

Deuteronomy 1:13 describes the kind of leaders God told Moses to appoint:

“Choose wise, understanding, and knowledgeable men…”

Do those words reflect my life?

Wisdom—seeing things the way God does, even when others don’t.

Understanding—discerning truth and walking in it, not in what feels right in the moment.

Knowledge—not just knowing the Word, but living it, proving by experience that God’s way is always better.

That’s the kind of man I want to be. Not divided. Not double-minded. Not living like two versions of myself.

And if that’s who I want to be, I know where it starts.

Not with trying harder.

Not with proving myself.

Not with some self-improvement plan.

But with surrender.

Whole-Hearted, Not Half-Way

When Thomas said, “Let’s go die with Him,” he was missing something.

Jesus wasn’t leading them to death. He was leading them to resurrection.

Thomas saw the risk. But Jesus saw the glory on the other side of it.

And later, when Thomas missed the resurrected Christ and refused to believe until he touched the wounds himself, Jesus wasn’t harsh with him.

He met him where he was and gave him what he needed to believe.

And in that moment, Thomas said something he had never said before:

“My Lord and my God.” (John 20:28)

Because the Thomas who had always wrestled with doubt?

That man was gone.

The divided heart had finally become whole.

And that’s what I want.

Not to live as two different versions of myself.

Not to trust God with some things and keep control of others.

Not to follow when it’s safe but shrink back when it’s costly.

I want to be whole-hearted.

Because following Jesus with half a heart is no way to live at all.

Lord, I don’t want to live divided. Let my faith be real in every area of my life. Make me a man of wisdom, understanding, and knowledge—not just in my words, but in my walk. And when belief and unbelief wrestle within me, let belief win. Amen.